Faith in Pain 

      Today makes 4 months of nerve pain, muscle fasciculations,  and the inability to live my previously active lifestyle. Thanks to one long run, I’m always on the edge of having shocking, shooting and throbbing pain my lower leg. I modify my life to try and reduce this pain, but that leads to depression and days of inactivity. Many days, I’m lead to tears, either due to the actual physical debilitating pain, or due to the mental stress and anxiety placed upon me dealing with the injury. 

      I have many days where plans are messed up and I don’t enjoy life due to this pain. Simple things like long drives, trips fishing, going out to dinner, grocery shopping, or kayaking becomes completely torturous, as I just want to get home and  get in bed. I have lost a lot of joy and contentment in my life and everyday, it gets harder and harder to think of the positives. I have frequent thoughts of “Will this ever end? Will I really be in this much pain my entire existence? And if I am in this much pain and it keeps me from doing almost everything I enjoy my entire life, is it really worth existing? Is life worth living when handed such a physically painful experience?” I haven’t had the strength to answer those questions and I don’t have knowledge of the future to answer them. 

      With this physical pain, comes my struggle with faith. Believe me when I say my faith has gotten me through a lot of traumatic experiences growing up. I remember many times on my knees in my bedroom pleading with God about life’s circumstances and my family’s mental illnesses. It just seemed like God got me through it. He always opened doors to give me a future. Two of those doors was a full scholarship to college and acceptance to my school’s nursing program. Now, im seriously doubting my physical capability to be on my feet in clinical, community centers, class, and all of the other obligations that comes with being a nursing student. I mean, of course I can do it, but it’ll mean more frequent debilitating pain attacks, which leave me nauseated, breathless, and forever exhausted and hopeless. 

       So naturally, it leads me to question this plan. To question my faith. Does God want me to suffer? I keep getting suggestions like “well look at how you live your life and change things and maybe things will get better.” These “suggestions” sound like this is my fault, like I caused all of this, like God is letting me suffer because I’m such a bad person. I didn’t realize God was so cruel to let his child be in so much suffering because she didn’t follow every condition set for his love and care… a love that’s supposed to be so unconditional. As you can see, my faith is wavering. I still listen to my faith based music. One song I try to hold onto is “Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle. I try to keep the faith that God still has a plan for me even in the midst of so much suffering. It’s just so incredibly hard to walk (well more like hobble) into church with all of these happy looking people asking me the same questions wondering how I’m doing, how I could still be in so much pain, assuming I’ve gotten better and have no reason to complain or miss church, wondering where I’ve been, why I won’t come to church, etc. It’s honestly so overwhelming to be in such an overwhelmingly positive place when my life is so dark right now and people just expect me to remain so happy and joyful when I question how I’m even going to get through another week, day, or hour in this position. It’s so hard to just “let go and let God” when hour to hour, my existence changes from relative normality to excruciating suffering pleading with life to just stop. 

     And then I think about how selfish I must be to think God should heal me… or expect to somehow be healed by God. I mean, millions of people live in chronic pain, chronic illness, get cancer and die, and all sorts of debilitating ailments and God doesn’t heal them. People kill themselves everyday because they beg and plead for some sort of relief, only to be knocked down again by their physical and emotional pain. This is where I get discouraged. Should I really pray for healing. Should I really pray at all? Does it really change anything if God is God and he does as he pleases anyway and if you don’t completely fall in line with every rule of Christianity, then obviously it’s all your fault and you deserve to suffer in pain?

      If anyone is still reading this and is a severe chronic pain survivor and still manages to have a strong faith in healing and perseverance, please give me your thoughts because I’m so incredibly hopeless that I’ll be able to live a fulfilling and joyful life and actually be thankful for it. 

       

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Author: emylovesbalance

I am a senior nursing student who struggles with mental health and who developed a chronic injury after taking up running.

7 thoughts on “Faith in Pain ”

  1. 💗 I remind myself of Paul and how he claimed that the Lord gave him a thorn to live with and even though he pleaded for Him to take it away He didn’t, but he was thankful for it because it made him who he was supposed to be and it kept him humble. Honestly, if Paul could do it I can do it too right

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess I just feel like who I am right now is very negative and bitter compared to who I was before my injury… so full of life, so excited for my future in nursing, just overall happy even though I struggled with some anxiety. I just feel confused I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. I get that way too. This was NOT part of MY plan.. I also remind myself what God thinks of our ‘plans’ lol.. Don’t give up on yourself. You’ll get through this. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Chronic pain is torturous!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Emily I feel your pain cause I live with it every day….I need to have both knees replaced. I have a failed back fusion and 99% of the time I have pain in my buttock that goes all the way down my leg, I will be asleep and wake up hurting so bad I am in tears. I had a stroke last year and need to have a stint put in my neck cause I have 90% blockage, carpel tunnel in my left wrist, degenerative disc disease in my back, herniated disc in neck, thoracic and lumbar, gastritis , hiatal hernia. I know what keeps me going is I will be reunited with my baby boy, Dad, Joby, Tony, Mom , etc. Just knowing that gives me the will to fight the pain every day. I don’t think I could go on without the faith of knowing I will be with them again. When you loose faith then you loose hope….My pain and suffering started when I was 31, when I lost Sean and there were so many times I did try to end my life, But then I realized if I did I would never see my baby boy again. Life is so hard but then there are some moments in our life that make it all worth the pain and suffering we go thru, just hang on to those memories and make new ones. Try doing new things that you are able to do with your injuries. Go swimming, do crafts, write (like you are doing now)little things like that. Try different activities that don’t hurt you too bad. And remember in the end there is a better place waiting for us. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Emily,
    Thank you for your honesty and transparency with this. I think that’s something that so many people honestly lack these days.

    I just want to let it be known that, there are no “ifs” about this. God IS God, His love IS unconditional and unwaivering, and He IS just. Period.

    I know I cannot relate to the pain you feel everyday, but I’m here to tell you that I serve a God who heals. Maybe not always in the physical though. Sometimes the healing has to be spiritual first. Sometimes God takes situations that seem like hell and turns them into something you can use to be a beautiful testimony…if you’ll let Him, that is. You are strong, you are beautiful, and Jesus doesn’t want to see you in pain. Disease and death are not given to us by God, but are rather mere byproducts of the emergence of sin. And this world we live in is not sin-free. Though we as lovers of Christ do have everlasting life ahead of us, that does not mean we are immune to the dangers, diseases, and hurt of this world. However, it does mean we must react differently to these ailments from the way in which the world was. This is, of course, your choice, but as someone who wants to help sharpen your iron, I urge you to pray every time negativity starts to sneak into your mind. Pray, not to plead, but to converse with the Lord, to talk to Him. Pray for His heart. Pray for His eyes, His perspective. That you might see from where He sits.

    I am aware we do not know each other well, but us both being believers is knowledge enough. I say all of this in love, and I’ll be praying for you.

    If you’ve made it to the end, thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Thank you. Actually really honestly thank you. Anytime I question, I always get “well maybe you should re evaluate how you live” aka pointing blame at me or whatever, so thanks for giving me your perspective. I really appreciate it. And thank you for reading my blog.

      Like

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