Cheers to another day of pain. Pain in my leg. Pain in my back. I often question if this will ever end, but week by week and month by month, my hope for healing slowly declines. Monday will make four months of leg pain, of doctors brushing me aside and giving me the run around, of fighting for my health, physically and mentally, of being told, “You’re young. You have youth on your side and you’ll heal.” Meanwhile, NO ONE can give me an answer. It’s so incredibly invalidating and isolating to constantly be told this will just go away with time and just “keep your chin up.” It’s so frustrating to hear that from people who aren’t trudging through a shit show everyday of physical and emotional suffering.
By now you probably think, “Oh lord. Look at her begging for pity.” Well maybe? Or maybe I just want people to know I’m not perfect. You look at me smiling and think my life is great. I’m in school. I have a great fiancé. I have a promising future.
However, you don’t see my daily struggle to force myself out of bed. How I slowly walk around to losen the tight pressure I feel in my leg (that same pressure that results in stabbing taser pain) after simple movements to increase strength. You don’t see how I wobble to my couch for another day of TV because it’s the only thing that takes my mind off of my worries. You don’t see how much I fear about not being physically capable of going back to school for a year and countless hours of standing, walking, and lifting people in hospitals when I can hardly stand myself for minutes at a time. You don’t see how much of a failure I feel like for not living up to everyone’s expectations of me to be successful. You don’t see the physical pain. You just see my scrunched up face to hide tears. You just see my tears when my emotions finally take over and I can’t take the pain anymore. You just see how my foot turns a cool shade of purple when simply resting on the floor. You just see someone with a blank face who worries so much, just to completely feel empty and emotionless a few minutes later.
I am doing the best that I can. I’m reaching out for support. I am fighting so hard for my health and my life even though I feel like I’ve given up. I got myself into counseling and art therapy. I go to all of my DR appts and now PT. I do everything asked of me, yet I’m in so much suffering that the good in life gets completely splattered with black and darkness. Hopefully this back pain will ease up in a few days. Hopefully, I can get a treatment plan for my leg that’ll actually help me.
I don’t feel like I ask for much in my life. I just want to finish school and give back to society as a nurse. I want to have a lasting marriage to my fiancé. I want to travel and explore this beautiful planet. I just want to do it without constant pain.
Before I end this sad posting, I’d like to end with some positives to put things into perspective for me. I have a cat that likes to cuddle. Furry friends always make things better. I have a roof over my head and a car to use if I need it. I have food to eat. I have a partner that is so supportive of me. Who loves me in the midst of my suffering. Who accepts me completely and I’m so so thankful for him. I have a family who is trying to reach out and support me as well even though they have their own struggles in life. I’m usually able to fall asleep easily and stay asleep the whole night. I have a few friends that’ll reach out occasionally to check up on me. I’m thankful for y’all. I’m just so tired. 😴 (PS sorry for the grammar and punctuation errors)